Quote:
Originally Posted by moose
Here it is. The essay. In all honesty, I think it is crap. I had to bullshit my way through it  . Tell me what you think. |
You want any nitpicking?
- Your intro paragraph should act almost like a table of contents about what the rest of the paper is about, instead of just jumping in and talking about Subaru, mention that Subaru is a household namecar manufacturer but it took many years and many models for it to become so well known. Tell the reader that the paper's point is to examine the changes in Subaru's models over the years and show how those changes made their product better and better to the point that they became a well known auto manufacturer. Don't make the reader figure out what the paper's about, you can tell them explicitly.
- household is one word
- ladybug is one word
- horsepower is one word
- turbocharge is one word
- you shouldn't use acronyms without first defining them (AWD, JDM, USDM, WRC, LSD...)
- I wouldn't abbreviate AWD as "a.w.d.", I think the all caps version is acceptable, or even just writing out "all wheel drive"
- you shouldn't use "92" when you mean 1992, same with "06" and "07" later on
- typo in "bum,per" on page 4, as well as redundant use of the word "bumper"
- typo "WWRX" on page 6
- you might want to define STi?
- "It produce 240hp and..." should be "produced"
- Mazdaspeed is one word
In general: you've got a
ton of technical data, which is a bit dry to read, but does show you've done your research. The paper would really benefit from explaining *why* that technical data means the car got better, and why the better car helped Subaru's popularity. Why is a 2.2l motor "better" than a 1.8l motor? Why did the upgraded looks of the 2.5RS over the base Impreza suddenly make Subaru more popular? (hint, it finally meant there was a rally-look car sold in the US). Why did consumers appreciate the changes Subaru made to the models. If the premise of the paper is to show how the evolution of Subaru's lineup has made Subaru more popular, you need to show not just the progression of the car models, you also need to show how the new models sold better and helped Subaru's reputation.
In that light, you could also dial back much of the tech info and talk more about stuff like rally wins helping sales, and increased sales numbers as the models evolved, and public perception of the brand. For example, you could show Subaru's growing popularity by talking about all the Subaru car clubs that sprang up after the WRX came here, or how the perception of Subaru evolved from "cheap cars" to "indestructible cars" to "performance cars". Maybe even throw in Subaru's various slogans over the years to show the change in image they were making.
And with all that additional stuff, you could break the paper up not by each individual model, but by era... sort the paper by Subaru's popularity, rather than by the cars they made, since the point is to show the history of Subaru, not the history of the Impreza.
Finally, your closing paragraph should reiterate what the paper was about. Remind people that the evolution of the model lineup matched the evolution of Subaru's image, and that Subaru went from a niche manufacturer of economy cars to a World Rally Champion manufacturer to a household name. Maybe even throw in something sappy about how closely connected "the Subaru that might be in your own garage" is to that original 360 that started it all to close the circle on the topic.