[Kevin M]

Disappointment. Anger. Frustration. Helplessness.

This is what I feel as I hear more and more about the events following Katrina. I'm not overly concerned by my dismay at the actions of the worst offenders down there (mild surprise is as far as it goes) but I can see how it happened. I mean, before the flooding and serious damage had happened, I was thinking "oh, big deal, a hurricane. That crap happens like 5 times a year, why are we reading about it in Nevada?" And then the shit hit the fan. So, I can definitely understand how so many people got fucked in the situation by sticking around too long and being unprepared- though I'm not sure you can "prepare" for what happened there even if you knew the extent of what would happen before hand. Basically, a lot of people thought just like me- it's just a hurricane, we'll board the windows, stock up on some food and water, and get drunk with our neighbors til it blows over. Then there's the fact that some people, even if aware enough to know they should leave, couldn't. For many of the people who are by and large the topic of discussion here, serious evacuation was not an option, because of financial issues. You can't take 6 or 8 days off of work when you're working for near minimum wage, even if you wouldn't lose such a job for missing that much time. I can see how knowingly putting your life into severe distress would seem much scarier than trying to ride out the 19th hurricane of your adult life. In hindsight, it seems dumb, but who really thought they wouldn't have a job to go back to before the storm hit?

So, lately I have wondered what I'd be doing today if I'd been stubborn, stupid, or naive enough to stay in the area when the storm hit. If I literally had no home, no possessions, no means of procuring food, water, and shelter. What would I do? Don't know really. But I'd do something. I'd hope to find at least a couple other people who also were trying to find a way to stay alive, and find some way to return to something resembling normal life in the near future. Find a way to get fresh, or at least potable, water first. A place in the shade to keep cool. Find some food. Now, if I'm looking around, and the whole metro area is destroyed, well, many improprieties from last week aren't such a big deal now. You can bet that I'd be looking for a supermarket, and me and those other couple of healthy bodies would be carting back as much food as we could get back to that shady spot. We'd get some tents, sleeping bags, whatever other basic outdoor gear would help us out. If I see someone carrying a plasma TV out of walmart, I could care less. If you're dumb enough to waste your time and energy like that, fine with me. I'd also fully expect some sort of disaster assistance to come in soon. Some people passing out some clean clothes, blankets, emergency supplies for people with life-threatening conditions like Diabetes or high blood pressure or the like. I don't know how I'd handle it when that hadn't happened in 2, 3, 4 days. I'd want to get out of dodge, but I'm rational enough that I wouldn't head for the hills until I knew where I was going, how to get there, and could reasonably expect to make it. I once did a 27 mile road march in korea with a 45 pound ruck, which isn't really that heavy, and we didn't even carry weapons. The march is basically a ceremonial re-enactment that one brigade in South Korea carries out every 90 days as part of their training. They invite other units to participate as well to prove what great soldiers we are too. Anyways, I bring it up because it kicked my ass and I was in pretty damn good shape at the time. I had sufficient water. I could run 2 miles in close to 11 minutes. I had repeatedly carried a full combat load (60 pounds of ruck, web gear, kevlar helmet) plus my weapon on marches of 5-7 miles in basic training the previous few months with only a couple short rest breaks of 5-10 minutes to change socks. So, I can at least say that trying to hump out of what is basically a half million acre swamp with enough fresh water and dry clothes to make it might be unrealistic.

So I might not go anywhere, and just keep trying to find enough water, food, clothing and shelter to not die or get truly sick. I'm not bothered by peole that steal TVs or living room sets at the time. Whatever, at least you're occupying yourself I guess. I'd certainly be willing to help others that i incidentally met doing all this foraging, especially those who are with children or would have difficulty providing for themselves for any other reason. But if I pass by the girl getting raped waiting to use a bathroom... fuck that. I'm probably dumb enough to let my sense of honor get me killed over something like that, but it's better than living with guilt and shame over letting it happen. Basically, anything anybody does down there to survive, to stay healthy, is perfectly acceptable to me. But crimes, things that do nothing to aid your own survival, and take away from another person's ability to do so, should be punished. Immediately and severely. If I got to the point where I felt my immediate survival was relatively ensured, then I might have a hard time sitting there, drinking my stolen bottles of Aquafina and munching on my bags of Doritos and beef jerky the first time I heard gunfire, or screaming. I'd probably start looking for ways to go out and stop at least a few people from being victimized.

But enough of the hypothetical- it's easy to imagine being the hero while trying to fill the time on my boring job, secure enough for the immediate future. I started wondering what I could do to help. Now, I've often mused about finding a local organization to volunteer with, or finally getting around to gathering up the clutter of clothes and such I've accumulated that I don't really need, and giving them to charity. I have noble aspirations, but never much motivation to go with it. But this week, I really, strongly, sincerely felt the desire to do something. Meaning actions. Meaning, find a way to get my ass to Louisiana, and try to help save someone's farm. Or help people try to dig through their flooded homes for salvagable possessions. Or go find whatever trucks and boats are moving supplies into the city, and reload them when they come back. Anything. Just some small way that I can look back later and say that I actually helped someone. Not just pitching a few bucks into a collection can and thinking I did something, but really affecting some stranger's life in a meaningful way.

But I don't. I am unwilling to forfeit what little security and comfort I have. Rationally, I guess I think I can't help any one person more than I'd be losing myself. Selfishly, I simply don't want to give up what I have. And I suppose the guilt of doing nothing to help them isn't enough to spur my sense of honor the way it would if I was witnessing something truly wrong. That is why I am frustrated and feel helpless. I do not have the power to significantly help even one person down there without a degree of selflessness I apparently don't possess. And that is disappointing to me. Because of this, I have a hard time being truly critical of the crap that's going on there. Yeah, hell's going to be pretty crowded when that bus we joke about gets us there- but I didn't do anything this week to get off of it either.