Hahahahaha. Good one.

Guy walks in a bar...sitting at one end of the bar is a beautiful woman. He walks over and sits down next to her and says...Hello there, whats your name? She replies "My name is Carmen" The guy smiles and says, I have always loved that name, do you know what it means? The woman says, no not really, but I do know its two of my favorite things....Cars and Men. The woman then says...whats your name? The guy thinks about it for a second and says....Beertits.

OK that one made me laugh :lol:

"Lull"

Haha beertits hahaha you slay me.

This morning on the way to work I rear-ended a car at a stop light. I was not really paying attention. It was my fault.

Anyway, the guy who was driving the car gets out... he was a dwarf.

He said, "I'm not happy"........

I said, "Well then, which one are you?"

Then he got really pissed.

WOMAN'S POEM



Before I lay me down to sleep,

I pray for a man who's not a creep,

One who's handsome, smart and strong.

One who loves to listen long,

One who thinks before he speaks,

One who'll call, not wait for weeks.

I pray he's gainfully employed,

Will take me out and won't be annoyed.

Pulls out my chair and opens my door,

Massages my back and begs to do more.

I pray that this man will love me to no end,

And always be my very best friend.









MAN'S POEM



I pray for a deaf-mute nymphomaniac with great legs, huge boobs, owns a Bar

on a golf course, and loves to send me fishing and hunting. This

doesn't rhyme and I don't give a shit.

LOL

Keep this thread alive...

Nevada Trooper Joke

Two men were driving through Nevada when they got pulled over by a State Trooper. The trooper walked up and tapped on the window with his nightstick.

The driver rolled down the window and WHACK, the cop smacked him in the head with his nightstick.

"What the hell was that for?" the driver asked.

"You're in Nevada, son," the trooper answered. "When we pull you over in Nevada, you better have your license ready by the time we get to your car."

"I'm sorry, officer," the driver said, "I'm not from around here."

The trooper runs a check on the guy's license -- he's clean and gives the guy his license back.

The trooper then walks around to the passenger side and taps on the window.

The passenger rolls down the window and "WHACK", the trooper smacks him on the head with the nightstick.

"What'd you do that for?" the passenger demands.

"Just making your wish come true," replied the trooper.

"Making WHAT wish come true?" the passenger asked.

"Because I know your type." the trooper says, "Two miles down the road you're gonna turn to your buddy and say, "I wish that asshole would have tried that shit with me!"

Why do I get the feeling that one circulates with versions for pretty much every sstate except California? :lol:

delete

The title of this thread clearly states "tell me a Good joke"

Q: Why did the blonde jump off the building?


A: To see if kotex really had wings!

Q: Why did the toddler drop his lolly pop?



A: Because he was hit by a Mack Truck

^

Moose, you dork!


Guy walks into a bar, and sits down on the counter an octopuss. Bartender asks, "what's with that thing?" To which the man replies, "It's my pet, and it makes me money! It can play any instrument in the world!" So the bartender bets him $100 that it can't play the piano at the back of the bar. Well, after sitting the octopuss on the piano, and it's searching around for a minute, it begins playing the most beautiful concerto you've ever heard! Amazed, the bartender pays up, and another man walks up and sits down a trumpet case next to the octopuss. "I bet it can't figure this one out!" After pulling the instrument out of the case, and fiddling with it for a couple minutes, the octopuss lays down the hottest blues track since Louis Armstrong! Dumbfounded, the second challenger takes back his trumpet, but at the same time, a Scottsman walks up and presents a set of bagpipes! "Ack, I bet yer fishy can't play this!"

The octopuss wrestles around with the pipes for a couple minutes in frustration, and is unable to make a sound. "He can't play it! See!?" shouts the Scott, to which the octupuss replies, "Play it? If I can get it's pajamas off, I'm gonna FUCK it!"

Cory you have soiled your own thread.

There is a gay guy who walks into a bar in texas full of cow boys. Gay asked"Could I have a scotch and water?" Bartender said"Sure, but usually i dont serve people like you. So if i was you i would go sit in the corner and drink it as fast as you can." about five minutes later a big cow boy comes busting in and yells out"Im so thirsty I can drink the milk out of a cow." The gay guy jumps up and says"Oh mooooo"

Octopuss jokes are funny dammit! You got something better sucka?

Ok, and this is a true story of course.
About 6 years ago I went with some of my friends to Niagara falls. We were walking around checking stuff out and we saw this tee-pee on the side of the road with a sign next to it "fortune telling here". I laughed because it was so random. My friend said "hey lets go check that out." I told him I would wait in the car because I don't believe in psychics and the whole idea just creeps me right the F out. After waiting at the car for a few minutes I decided to go inside just to observe. I went inside and sure enough there was some dude dressed like an indian. I am 90% sure that he was some white guy but thats not important.
Right away I started laughing and the guy said to me "would you like to know your future?". I said "no". He said "what, you don't believe I am psychic?" Again I said "no". He said "try me. Ask me a question." So I said "fine. what did I eat for breakfast?". He sat there for a minute looking at some cards... "eggs, you had eggs for breakfast." I just threw up my hands and walked out. My friend followed me out and said "dude that was crazy you did have eggs!" I said "that is total crap everyone in the US of A has freaking eggs for breakfast! your so naive." I laughed again and we left. We never even talked about it again after that until this last year.
Last year I took my wife to Niagara falls because she had never been. Sure enough that same tee-pee was still there after all these years. I had totally forgotten about it. We walked back over there just because I wanted to see if it was the same "indian" inside. I opened the tent and sure enough it was the same guy. I put my hand up and said "how". He looked up at me and said "scrambled".

:fail:

You guys sure are pounding the haterade for each other.

I don't know why, but this makes me laugh!! :lol:

:liljon:

A native Irish man walks into a pub in Ireland. He orders 3 Guiness at a time. The bartender asks"Wouldn't you want to wait to order the next one later?" The man said"No, because I want to drink them as fast as I can for my brothers, Jim and Scott because they cant get Guiness in Ethopia."
The bartender says"Alright then."

So for about five years the man came in every day and ordered 3 guiness.
Then one day, out of the clear blue, he ordered 2 guiness. Every one in the bar gasped and asked, "did one of your brothers die?"
The man says no, I just quit drinking.

Little Red Riding Hood is skipping down the forest road when she sees the big bad wolf crouched down behind a log.


"My, what big eyes you have, Mr. Wolf." The wolf jumps up and runs away.


Further down the road Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again and this time he is crouched behind a bush.



"My what big ears you have, Mr. Wolf." Again the wolf jumps up and runs away.


About 1/4 mile down the road Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again and this time he is crouched down behind a rock.


"My what big teeth you have Mr. Wolf." With that the wolf jumps up and screams, "Will you knock it off, I'm trying to take a shit!"

Well, of course, colonoscopies are no joke, have one regularly anyway, but these comments during the exam are pretty funny -- a physician listed the following actual comments made by his patients (predominately male) while he was performing their colonoscopies:

1. "Hey, take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going where no man has gone before!

2. "Find Amelia Earhart yet?"

3. "Can you hear me NOW?"

4. "Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?"

5. "You know, in Arkansas , we're now legally married."

6. "Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?"

7. "You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out..."

8. "Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!"

9. "If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!

10. "Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity."

11. "You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?"

12. "God! Now I know why I'm not gay."

And the best one of all..

13. "Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up
there?"

^^ "Geez! How deep do you think you need to dig in there Doc!? If I wanted my teeth examined, I would'a gone to a dentist!" -Bill Engvall

Ok I heard this from one of the techs at work today....

Whats the difference between a porsche, and a garage full of dead babies?

I dont have a porsche in my garage.

:lol: Reminds me of Scott's "dumptruck full of bowling balls" joke on the first page!

Harley-Davidson in Heaven



The inventor of the Harley-Davidson motorcycle, Arthur Davidson, died and went to heaven. At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur. "Since you've been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is, you can hang out with anyone you want to in heaven."



Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, "I want to hang out with God."



St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room, and introduced him to God.



God recognized Arthur and commented, "Okay, so you were the one who invented the Harley-Davidson motorcycle?"



Arthur said, "Yeah, that's me...."




God commented: "Well, what's the big deal in inventing something that's pretty unstable, makes noise and pollution and can't run without a road?"



Arthur was apparently embarrassed, but finally spoke, "Excuse me, but aren't you the inventor of woman?"



God said, "Ah, yes."



"Well," said Arthur, "professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your invention:
1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusion
2. It chatters constantly at high speeds.
3. Most rear ends are too soft and wobble too much
4. The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust
5. The maintenance costs are outrageous!!!!



"Hmmmmm, you may have some good points there," replied God, "hold on."



God went to his Celestial supercomputer, typed in a few words and waited for the results. The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it.



"Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed," God said to Arthur, "but according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention than yours!!!