Somebody tell me a good joke.

[MPREZIV]

I found a "joke" thread on another local, "street racing" forum here, and found myself thoroughly appalled after but a short while, as the entire thread turned out to be nothing but red-neck, in-bred, goat f*cking fags telling un-funny racist jokes.

I thought to myself, "SECCS can do better than this dribble."

So, tell me a joke! Here, I'll start:

Guy walks into a Dr.'s office, un-announced, and storms directly in past reception to see the doctor. When he arrives in front of the practitioner, he removes his coat and hat, which reveals a giant toad growing out of the top of his skull!
"Dear God! How long have you had this odd growth!?" exclaims the Dr.






The toad says, "I woke up this morning, and there it was, coming out of my ass!"

[Ezdno]

Ok this Mid 40s couple goes to Jamaica on vacation, and while walking the streets looking at shops they stop in this leather shop to see what the goods are. The owner says in his Jamaican dialect.....halo maan can I help wit somthin, The couple just looks around, and the wife asks about this pair of sandals in the display. the shop owners says....aw dem sandals are magic...put dem on and your sex life will never be da same..... So intrigued about the sandals, and not believing a word the owner said, they buy the sandals, she hands them to her husband and says here put these on....

Immediately after putting them on, the husband has an over whelming sensation and grabs the store owner flips him around a bends him over.......

The shop clerks is screaming......YOU GOT DEM ON DA WRONG FEET YOU GOT DEM ON DA WRONG FEET!!!!!!

[M3n2c3]

I'm better with one-liners than actual jokes, but. . .

Have you heard the one about the cannibal who dumped his girlfriend?






Think about it.

[MPREZIV]

HA! That's good!

Two cannibals are eating a clown, one turns to the other and says, "Does this taste funny to you?"

[JonnydaJibba]

Originally Posted by MPREZIV

HA! That's good!

Two cannibals are eating a clown, one turns to the other and says, "Does this taste funny to you?"

Hahahha, that was corny and lame, but it made me laugh.

[MikeK]

What's brown and sticky?








A stick!

[sperry]

I feel this thread already descending into the darkness....


What's the difference between a dump truck full of bowling balls and a dump truck full of dead babies?

You can use a pitch fork to unload the dump truck full of dead babies.

[Pat R.]

An 80 year old woman was arrested for shop lifting. When she went before the judge he asked her, "What did you steal?" She replied: a can of peaches. The judge asked her why she had stolen them and she replied that she was hungry. The judge then asked her how many peaches were in the can. She replied 6.

The judge then said, " 6 days in jail."

Before the judge could actually pronounce the punishment the woman's husband spoke up and asked the judge if he could say something. He said, " What is it? "

The husband said "She also stole a can of peas."

[MPREZIV]

Originally Posted by sperry

I feel this thread already descending into the darkness....


What's the difference between a dump truck full of bowling balls and a dump truck full of dead babies?

You can use a pitch fork to unload the dump truck full of dead babies.

Darkness, yes, but successful!

That joke's just messed up dude...

A proctologist decides he needs a new profession, so he decides to try his hand at being a Mechanic. He takes a 6 month course, does a great job, but is a bit perplexed after his final exam, of assembling a completely torn down engine. He scored 150%! He decides to take this up with his instructor, whom he asks, "How could I have scored 150%!? That's not possible!"

"Well", the instructor replies, "you did a perfect job on the final exam; the motor you built runs great, thus the 100 percent." "The other 50, I added because I've never seen anyone rebuild an entire engine through the tail pipe!"

[JonnydaJibba]

Scott that was horrible. What's worse is that I lol'd.

[Dean]

Scott, I am offended by your dead baby joke. It is offensive to the very young, and not alive people. you should be ashamed.



A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He sidles up to the bar and announces:....








"I'm lookin' for the man who shot my paw."

[sybir]

Dean, I'm offended by your horrible pun. It is offensive to anyone that reads it

*runs*


Incidentally, how does a 3-legged dog sidle?

[sperry]

Originally Posted by sybir

Dean, I'm offended by your horrible pun. It is offensive to anyone that reads it

*runs*


Incidentally, how does a 3-legged dog sidle?

Very carefully or it'll get it's balls pinched by the barstool.

[Dean]

OK, no more puns...

For decades, two heroic statues, one male and one female, faced each other in a city park, until one day an angel came down from heaven.

"You've been such exemplary statues," he announced to them, "That I'm going to give you a special gift. I'm going to bring you both to life for thirty minutes, in which you can do anything you want." And with a clap of his hands, the angel brought the statues to life.

The two approached each other a bit shyly, but soon dashed for the bushes, from which shortly emerged a good deal of giggling, laughter, and shaking of branches. Fifteen minutes later, the two statues emerged from the bushes, wide grins on their faces.

"You still have fifteen more minutes," said the angel, winking at them.

Grinning even more widely the female statue turned to the male statue and said, "Great! Only this time you hold the pigeon down and I'll crap on it's head."

[Dean]

[payback for the bannage thread.]

JC was seated next to Little Johnny on the plane when JC turned to the Little Johnny and said, "Let's talk. I've heard that flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."

Little Johnny, who had just opened his book, closed it slowly, and said to JC, "What would you like to discuss?"

"Oh, I don't know," said the JC. "How about the relative visual merits of GC and GD Subarus"

"OK," said Little Johnny. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. "A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat grass. The same stuff. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?"

"Jeez," said JC. "I have no idea."

"Well, then," said Little Johnny, "How is it that you feel qualified to discuss Subarus when you don't know shit?"

[/payback]

[dknv]

More on the airplane:
A lawyer and a blonde gal happen to be sitting next to each other on a long flight from L.A. to New York. The lawyer leans over to her and asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde is tired and just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.

The lawyer persists, saying that the game is really easy and a lot of fun. He explains how the game works. I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me, and vice-versa."

Again the blonde politely declines and tries to get some sleep. The lawyer figures he's pretty smart and since his opponent is a blonde he will easily win the match, so he makes another offer. "Okay, how about this? If you don't know the answer you pay me only $5, but if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500."

This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring that there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, she agrees to play the game. The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?"

The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches in to her purse, pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer. Now, it's the blonde's turn.
She asks the lawyer. "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?"


The lawyer looks at her with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references. He taps into the Air-phone with his modem and searches the Internet and even the Library of Congress. Frustrated he sends E-mails to all his co-workers and friends he knows. All to no avail. After over an hour of searching for the answer he finally gives up. He wakes the blonde and hands her $500. The blonde politely takes the $500 and turns away to get back to sleep.



The lawyer, who can't believe he's been outsmarted by a blonde, is going nuts trying to figure it out. He's more than a little frustrated! He wakes the blonde again and asks . . . "Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?"

The blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5, and goes back to sleep.

[MPREZIV]

A rather dim fella takes up a job as a laborer on a farm. He's plenty of help, as although he's not too bright, he's a big guy with plenty of strength.
One day the farmer tells him to take the work truck and drive a load of feed up to the north 40 to feed the horses at the stable there. "But I doesn't know how to drive boss!" exclaims the worker! The farmer tells him it's easy, and gives him a short tutorial on how to work the pedals and such. "If you have any problems, just call me on the radio and I'll talk you through it." the farmer tells him.

About 10 minutes after the hired hand leaves, there's a frantic call on the radio, "I've run over a pig! He's jammed in the grill of the truck! There's blood everywhere, and he's smashing about something awful!"

"That's alright," says the farmer, "accidents happen. Just take the rifle out of the back of the truck, put him out of his misery, un-jam him from the grill and be on your way."

Another ten minutes goes by, and the farmer decides to check up on his help. "Well, are you up to the stable yet?" "No," responds the worker, "I shot the pig like you said, and un-jammed him from the grill, but I can't get his motorcycle out from under the front axle!"

[DZ]

What is 18" long, blue and drives women crazy?






















Crib death...

[DZ]

What is blue and yellow and found at the bottom of a pool?
A baby with slashed floaties.

What is green-black and yellow and found at the bottom of a pool?
The same baby three weeks later.

What's red and yellow and floats on top of the pool?
Floaties with a slashed baby.

What's the difference between a baby and a bagel?
You can put a bagel in the toaster. You have to put the baby in the oven.


A woman was lying in her hospital bed recuperating after an intense
12 hour delivery of a bouncing baby boy.

Moments later the hospital room door opened, and in walked
the delivery nurse carrying the baby boy ....

SUDDENLY the nurse THROWS the baby on the floor, kicks it up
against the wall, picks it up and TWIRLS it around several times
and THROWS it against the wall....

Well, just bewildered, the woman gives out a loud SHREEEK and
hollers MY GOD ..... WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO MY BABY ??????

The Nurse chuckles a little to herself 'April Fools', she says...
He was ALREADY DEAD !!!!!!!!!!

[DZ]

What's the difference bewtween a Harley and a Hoover?
The position of the dirtbag...


What has two legs and bleeds profusely?
Half of a cat.




A little Mexican boy goes into the kitchen where his mom is baking. He
puts his hand in the flour and wipes it all over his face. "Mom, look,
I'm a white boy."

His mom slaps him in the face and says "Go show your father".
He goes to his dad in the living room and says "Look dad, I'm a white
boy."

His dad slaps him hard in the face and says "Go show your
grandmother."

The boy goes in his grandmothers room and says "Look Nana, I'm a white
boy "

His grandmother slaps him in the face and sends him back to his
mother.

His mother says "See. Did you learn anything from that?" To which the
boy replies, "Sure did. I have only been white for five minutes and I
already hate you Mexicans."



Fr. John is hearing confessions one fine Sunday afternoon when the urge for "nature's extra special moment happens". Knowing he can not leave the confessional while one of his parishoners is speaking he starts to panic. Having to crap real bad he opens the door to his side of the booth enough to see that the janitor is cleaning up in the next room.

He calls the janitor over and asks him to fill in for a few minutes and shows the janitor the chat on the wall telling him what pennance to give the sinner next door. One hail mary for cursing, two for thniking impure thoughts and so on down the list. Still uneasy about it the janitor sits in the booth and has a fairly easy time for the first few until the neighborhood slut sits down in the booth and proceeds to confess to giving a blow job.

Now the janitor starts to panic when he realizes that this item does not appear on the list of sins the priest has on the wall. So he opens the door and calls the altar boy over and asks him "what does Fr. John give for a blow job?"

The kid replies - Two candy bars and a coke...

[Kevin M]

A farmer went out one day and bought a brand new stud rooster for his chicken coop. The new rooster struts over to the old rooster and says,
"OK old fart, time for you to retire."
The old rooster replies, "Come on, surely you cannot handle ALL of these chickens. Look what it has done to me. Can't you just let me have the two old hens over in the corner?" The young rooster says, "Beat it: You are washed up and I am taking over." The old rooster says, "I tell you what, young stud. I will race you around the farmhouse. Whoever wins gets the exclusive domain over the entire chicken coop." The young rooster laughs. "You know you don't stand a chance, old man. So, just to be fair, I will give you a head start."
The old rooster takes off running. About 15 seconds later the young rooster takes off running after him. They round the front porch of the farmhouse and the young rooster has closed the gap.
He is only about 5 feet behind the old rooster and gaining fast. The farmer, meanwhile, is sitting in his usual spot on the front porch when he sees the roosters running by. He grabs his shotgun and - BOOM - he blows the young rooster to bits. The farmer sadly shakes his head and says,
"Darn.....third gay rooster I bought this month."

[MPREZIV]

HA! Homosexual birds! Funny!

[Ezdno]

Not my joke...but I laughed none the less!

Some mall maniac....

I was at the mall the other day eating at the food court. I noticed an old man watching a teenager sitting next to him. The teenagers had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, and blue. The old man kept staring at him. The teen would look and find him staring every time.

When the teenager had finally had enough, he sarcastically asked, "What's the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?"

The old man did not bat an eye in his response, "Got drunk once and screwed a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son."

[NevadaSTi]

Why is the space between a woman's breasts and her hips called a waist?




Because another pair of tits could easily fit there.

[rubberbiscuitt]

what do pink floyd and dale earnhart have in common?




their last big hit was the wall